Nicky Flash, the escapologist who couldn’t escape, has to go down as my favourite Britain’s Got Talent auditionee ever.
I remember it happening, and turning to Simon to see what he thought we should do. Our eyes met, we burst out laughing, and said in perfect unison: "KEEP HIM THERE!"
...And there he stayed, wriggling for freedom, for at least five full minutes – shouting, "I can’t get out, someone help me!" before Simon eventually ordered the St John’s Ambulance team to carry him away.
Mr Flash just about summed up Blackpool, where the talent was more ‘chuck them off the end of a pier' than ‘end of the pier.’ It was the worst venue for auditions I have ever experienced, and on Simon’s private jet later he just sat with his head in his hands, looking slightly shell-shocked, muttering, "we haven’t got a show if this carries on." But I poured him a drink somewhere over Manchester, and pointed out an undeniable fact: "Simon, it’s so bad it’s brilliant…".
His eyes lit up at the realisation that gruesome though Blackpool’s talent had been, it could now be billed as the biggest train wreck in audition history – and viewers at home would love it!
My favourite act this week, apart from Nicky Flash, was Suleman the Michael Jackson impersonator, and his big chunky Indian cleaner mate who charged on stage half way through and joined in the dancing.
How funny,and brilliantly innovative, was that act? I can see them going all the way to the final if they keep that up.
Amanda and I amused ourselves this week at the Bafta TV awards, where we lost out on two awards. But it’s the getting nominated that matters isn’t it…? Er, is it hell!
My poor colleague had suffered an allergic reaction to some new fake eyelashes she’d put in for the night, and her eyes turned blood red and began streaming tears. "...A bit like your normal appearance on Britain’s Got Talent..." I told her, which earned me a firm slap across the shoulder.
When Amanda left, the photographers swarmed on her like a pack of locusts, all desperate to discover why she was apparently sobbing. "I just rejected her advances," I explained.
"That’s enough to make any woman cry."
