So, how the hell is anyone going to beat Susan Boyle?
That is the hundred million dollar question (ironically, the same figure I reckon Simon Cowell will be budgeting in for Ms Boyle’s career in light of her astonishing global superstardom!) that everyone is asking after the most extraordinary week in talent show history.
The answer is several people, actually. Including a tiny young girl singer still to come, who will melt your heart, I promise you.
I think we can safely assume that it’s unlikely, however, to be drag queen Mama Trish, or Peter Coghlan as he is better known.
His disgusting belly-dancing routine on last night’s second show is not, surely, something we could ever risk putting in front of the Queen.
But he was definitely worth putting through to the next round, for the look on Simon’s face when Mama shrieked: ‘We can all be camp, Simon!’
Another act who will probably struggle to displace Ms Boyle from the favourite slot in the betting odds is Darth Jackson, the Royal Mail guy from Birmingham who did a Jacko moonwalk dressed as Darth Vader.
Though I found him absolutely hysterical!
The great thing about him is that he takes his act very, very seriously.
And why shouldn’t he? It’s what the show is truly about – totally unique, highly entertaining, and unbelievably funny.
Two acts who may be serious final contenders are the stunningly good saxophonist Julian Smith, though Amanda’s line ‘I never thought I’d cry at a saxophone’ had us all laughing behind the scenes afterwards.
Amanda, darling, you’d cry at a blank TV screen. You’re the biggest, most soft-hearted, acting luvvie I know.
But the stand-out act for me last night was young Shaheen Jafargholi. Once Simon got him to sing the right kind of song for his voice, he was sensational. Like a young Stevie Wonder.
What you didn’t see though was the funniest moment of the Cardiff auditions – when Amanda asked him: ‘Hello Shaheen, is that a Welsh name?’
Next week you will see Kelly Brook make her much discussed appearance at the Manchester auditions. She had tear ducts even looser than Amanda’s, though this did allow me to perform the ultimate sacrifice for the nation, and ‘comfort’ her from time to time with soothing hugs – which should make me a hero back in my local Sussex village pub.
Kelly was a nice girl, and a good laugh, and doesn’t deserve the bitchy comments she has been getting. But as you’ll see, having a fourth judge just all seemed a bit weird.
As for Susan Boyle, I can confirm some dramatic breaking news: she has accepted my offer of a date, during a live interview with American chat show star Larry King, and we are going to be dining in a romantic London restaurant very soon.
This could spark the biggest press frenzy since Brad and Angelina.
Find out what's going on in Piers' world at his official website: www.officialpiersmorgan.com
If you think Piers and Susan would make a lovely couple, leave your comment below!